"Why Can No One Hear Me? When All I Do Is Shout"

My heart is heavy but my feet are light,
these broken wings just want to take flight.

Im running, im running, my mind at an equal pace.

But when i look down, my feet are still in the same place.

Chivalry is gone, 

Good deeds are dying out.

Why can no one hear me when all i do is shout?

Selfishness and money is everyone's heart's desire.

Then we sit around and wonder "why is this world on fire?"

So much pain, so much hate.

Is it over? Is it too late?

Why is the world so evil,

why is the world so cold...

No one can look into their own heart and see, they too fit the mold.

Whether its jealousy, whether its hate.

or our blessings we forsake.

Whether is greed, whether its lust

Our ways need to change! Its a given, ITS A MUST!

Hearts dont want to give, unless it is given to first,

Some dont give at all, i dont know which is worse!

the wolves stay close, 

watching. waiting

preying on the one that are easy for baiting 

im in a sad place

my sorrows are hard to face

can i change it? is it helpless?

How do we get out of this mess?

-Christa Cox

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Yes i wrote that all by my lonesome. Sometimes the things weighing on my mind come out in poetry but i hesitate to post cuz you KNOW that someone, at some point in time, will steal and claim to be their own. The internet can be a sad place haha.

Anyway, sorry about the sad post. Worldly sorrows have been weighing on me lately and i cant seem to get past it. People are so cold now a days. And its only going to get worse. 

Even in the blogging world... everyone is so focused on them self. Their own profits, image, and popularity. Yes i try to branch my blog out, but i do this because i like helping people. I share my life experiences and am really open in hopes to touch lives, just like how i am touched by other lives. BUT i like to help other bloggers out as well. I feel like im always going out of my way to help others, and i dont expect anything in return, but when you NEVER get the same courtesy, it gets depressing. 

Just the other day, i put an add up on a local web page letting people know i had a BUNCH of great condition baby clothes that i was giving away for FREE! Hoping that maybe someone in need would benefit. Well i set the things out, a hand full people came and got things. I went inside for a few min, got busy, and when i went out later... everything was gone (to be expected), but someone had stole my $15 tote! Just breaks my heart that here i am trying to help someone, and that person that im helping, steals from me.

Just things like that. Its hard to see family member and close friends give and give and give... and just continue to get taken advantage of and walked on.

Maybe im too sensitive and think way too much into it.... but my heart is heavy and i cant seem to shake it.

But lets end this post with a positive quote

 that i have to recite to myself on the daily!

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This post is copy written

 and property of Christa Cox 
unless otherwise stated.

-Sharing is welcome, but please give proper credentials

:) Stealing is not nice.

Ugly Side Of Hypothyroidism....

as if there is a pretty side?

Anyway.. its been 2 weeks now sense ive done a motivation monday post.

And i haven't done any watch me shrink videos either.

This is why.

The Dark Side Of Pregnancy...

So i've posted before about pregnancy and finding the positives in it no matter what... [You can find that post HERE <-----]

But pregnancy DEFINITELY has its dark side....

Everyone knows the last month of pregnancy is the hardest and most miserable.

I already have carried super low this pregnancy, which has caused my hip pain and such, but it wasnt too bad. Now that Baiden has dropped, im in almost CONSTANT pain..

Walking is painful due to my sciatic nerve and now back pain. There is so much pressure on my cervix that i get sharp pains, which cause contractions, its just miserable.

If i sit for longer than 20 minutes my hips start to hurt and i have to change position or adjust. If i lay down, i cant lay on my back so i have to pick a side, and being on one side too long makes my hips hurt bad so i have to rotate (which is a painful process). So BASICALLY, walking, sitting, and laying down, offers little relief.

 Getting up is quite the hard process (and probably amusing from an outside view). Its difficult to get out of bed. I cant sit on the floor for more than 30 second without TREMENDOUS pain when i move.

I can barely shower myself. Shaving is pretty much non existent (sorry husband!). I cant paint my toes or clip them. TRYING to do so just gives me contractions cuz squishing Baiden in the least bit puts so much pressure on my cervix that i contract

It hurts to put on pants/shorts like a normal person. I feel like im pulling a muscle ever time i try to lift my leg to slip it into a pants leg.Standing too long makes my chest hurt and feel heavy (dont freaking ask.. i dont know). I run out of breath just TALKING too much.Im always getting random charlie horses that HURT. Add that to the sciatic nerve pain.. SHOOT ME NOW!

I already had to pee about ever hour and a half to 2 hours.. now that Baiden has dropped, i feel like i have to pee every 30 minutes or EVERY time i stand up. Even just sitting or laying i will get sudden SHARP pains in my cervix. I can feel him pushing on it like he is trying to bust out and it is SO uncomfortable.

Baiden is so big that his movements have started to kinda hurt? Like he loves to stretch out or run his boney elbows or knees or SOMETHING along my belly and it HURST. There is more baby than fluid now so his movements are just sore now.

My boobs hurt, i have bad allergies (you cant take good meds during pregnancy), i get heartburn by just SMELLING something spicey. I have to eat like a toddler. I randomly get nauseous. I cant brush my teeth without the sink looking like a murder scene (pregnancy gingivitis). The love life is interesting to say the least with a belly this huge and a kid so low. My belly itches now. The constant cramping and tightening is so irritating and sometimes painful. OH the list goes ON and ON!

Did you catch all that?

Alright lets continue...

Do you know what its like to be in CONSTANT discomfort? It REALLY takes its toll on the emotions. And i think this is why ive hit my breaking point emotionally. I've been on the more emotional side this whole pregnancy. But nothing bad at all. Now im SO sensitive. I randomly start crying. I have a break down about once a week now. I catch myself being paranoid, like "What if Jeff is miserable dealing with me and all my neediness". "What if my own daughter starts to not like me cuz im ornery all the time?"

Just ridiculous things...

I know this is all normal.. but its just hard excepting that you've lost control of your body and mind.

Im so lucky to have an AMAZING husband and support system (friends/family) who are understanding to it all. Let me vent, dont judge me, are there for me through it all etc. And honestly, i think im handling it all pretty well. Ive had a PERFECT pregnancy up until this point so i REALLY lucked out.

I figured i just better document the not so fun stuff cuz as we ALL know... i keep it real on this blog, blog about it all, and dont hold back. For others to relate to, not feel alone, and for me to look back on and remember why we are having NO MORE BABIES ;)

 Cheers to the next 3 weeks and 3 days! 

The countdown is ON! 

WE CAN DO THIS!!

:)

Ps..

Photos are of, taken by, and edited by me :)

Go to http://chrissyannphotography.blogspot.com to see more of my work .

This Is Me...

"You are who you are and that's all you can be... look at the world and say this is me, take me as I am or watch me as I go"

One of my BIGGEST flaws/personal problems.. is that i care too much.

Im CONSTANTLY putting others before myself. Im a people pleaser. I like to make others feel happy. I truly love and revolve my life around helping others.

Now you might be wondering... "How is that a flaw and a personal problem"?

Its a problem because im essentially neglecting myself. Im not protecting my OWN feelings and emotions. Im more worried about the other person and not hurting THEM, that i end up hurting MYSELF.

Ive always considered this a good quality about myself... until recently as im realizing its becoming a problem. People are starting to take advantage of this with me and walking all over me.

I think others become so accustomed to me being a push over and nice... that when i do make a stand for myself or realize im pushing myself too hard and want to slow down a little... its unpleasing to the person and they get mad at me. Like ive "changed" and im being "rude", when really all ive done is realized its not worth hurting myself or over working myself to please THEM.

Like with my photography business (or any business for that matter). You need to know your own worth and dont settle for less otherwise you're going to get walked on and your business isnt going to go anywhere.
(just a little scenario)

Everyone knows the last month of pregnancy is the hardest and most miserable.

Now that Baiden has dropped im in CONSTANT pain. Which i think all the physical pain is whats taking its toll on my emotions. (i will do a separate post about the pregnancy pain either tomorrow or in my Wednesday pregnancy post).

[So here i am at my breaking point emotionally]

Im just TIRED of being made out to be something im not. Im TIRED of being taken advantage of. Im DONE being a door mat. I know that i really have myself to blame for being treated this way. Ive allowed it for so long that thats all others know with me. But do NOT make me feel like a bad person just for protecting myself and caring for my OWN emotions for ONCE in my life.

Do NOT try to break me down and and make me out to be something im not..

Ive had a HUGE wake up call in the last few months as far as picking the people you surround yourself with wisely. Ive surrounded myself with good people who surround THEMSELVES with good people. I now am CONSTANTLY told how amazing i am. I am actually APPRECIATED and shown how much i am appreciated. Even by people who dont even really know me. 

I recently shot a wedding (my best friend Nikki Hatch's wedding), and the next day Nikki called me and left me a message. She said "i just wanted to tell you.. SOOO many people came up to me at the wedding and singled you out and said "you know that Christa girl, she is SO sweet and so amazing. She is such a sweet heart and so patient". That hit me SO hard (i cant even hold back the tears as i type). It hit me so hard cuz i've been going through a rough time with some people that WERE really close to me, trying to make me feel so ugly. Like im this HORRIBLE person when im not. 

And FINALLY!!..... FINALLY.... i have found friends who treat me just as amazing as i treat them. FINALLY i have good people who would give their shirt off their back for me, as i would do for them. FINALLY people who make me feel just as good as i try to make others feel. FINALLY!!

THIS IS ME!!

I KNOW my self worth. I KNOW who i am.

And i dont need to people who try to tarnish that beauty.

My {Depression}....

Depression. Such an ugly scary word. Especially to admit to it. Ive dealt with a few people who have depression. And from an outside view, its hard to grasp WHY they are sad and HOW they can see themselves in such a negative way ect. To a non depressed person, you see a beautiful talented person with so many things to be happy for, but to that person, they see a sad, ugly person, who cant seem to find things that make them happy.

This pregnancy, from the beginning, i have been WAY over emotional. Ive blogged about it a few times. But this last month it got BAD. I dont really know if i had LEGIT depression (my appointment is on Friday). But i just kept blaming the pregnancy (i still do). Before i get into explaining this dark time... let me just point out that i am doing MUCH better. Actually... i was like never sad this last week. So it makes me think even more that it was just INTENSE pregnancy hormones.
BUT it gave me a glimpse at what depression feels like. And i feel like i can now relate and UNDERSTAND (to a small extend) of what people go through. And i just wanted to talk about MY experience with it.

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I think if i were to sum up how i was feeling during my "dark time", in one word, i'd say Lonely. 
I've always been very attached to my husband Jeff. And "needy" for his attention and comfort. I've never viewed it as a bad thing because it wasnt that bad. I also had my independence that i needed and wanted.

Well, get pregnancy hormones in my veins, and i guess it got BAD. My needyness. Jeff was working long hours due to being short employees at his job (they never seem to be able to keep employees). He has to BE TO work at 3:30am, and works till about 4pm. OCCASIONALLY 5&6pm. He comes home exhausted and goes to bed at 8pm to be able to wake up at 2:45am the next day.

I sat home all day, every day, feeling sad, lonely, and worthless. I always explained to jeff that its just hard to not have adult interaction. We live about 40 minutes away from all my family and majority of my friends. We live off a tight budget, and driving that far often REALLY drains our gas tank and makes gas expenses more, leaving less money for food. (in case you're wondering WHY i sit home all day).

I'd sit here and PITY myself (this is all hard to admit cuz NOW i see how silly it was. But thats depression for ya). I had no realistic reasons to base my feelings off of but i just felt like i had no one. (when mean while i had about 5 close friends i could turn to, and all i had to do was open up to them). But instead, i sat and pittied myself. Makes no sense. But at the time.. i was just drowning in hurt and couldnt be realistic.

Id dwell on the past.. I felt like i was back in high school again. I'd see my friends having a great time with each other. Everywhere i looked, i was reminded by pictures and posts that everyone was having a blast, and here i sat, alone.

Last pregnancy, all my closest friends were pregnant with me. This time... im the only one. That just added to the lonely, singled out feeling. (i laughed as i typed this out).

[[KEEP IN MIND I WAS NOT IN THE RIGHT MIND SET]] It was NO ONE'S fault but my own. I didnt tell anyone what i was going through. Well i told one person but not in detail. They had no clue the DEPTH of my feelings. I didnt make as many efforts as i should have.

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I am thrilled to feel like i am back to reality (in a still pregnant and emotional type of way).

I can laugh at how ridiculous i was being.

I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that Jeff didnt work as much this last week. The weather has been nice so we go to the park a lot and play in the water. But i REALLY have to thank my awesome friends who are PUTTING up with my craziness :)

This "depression" thing has been BY FAR the craziest adventure so far.

And this blog is my journal.

So there you go.

Its now on record for me to look back at and laugh at myself :)

But for real. Depression is a SERIOUS thing. Get the help you need if you feel like you suffer with it. My heart goes out to anyone who deal with it and i'd LOVE to help you in any way i can.

My husband deals with depression and is on meds, and i so i know first hand at how understanding, accepting, and loving you have to be with it :).