I contemplated all day about whether i should blog about this or not. But when i got to thinking about it the only things i was worried about is what people would think of me or how people would judge me or if people would think i was psychotic but guess what...screw all of you who will put me down over anything i am about to say. This is MY blog, MY journal, MY life, and MY feelings.
Before i say anything i will give the warnings. I am going through alot of different emotions. And do not read if you get easily queezy.
So today i got my blood work. Im 10 weeks along. I will get the results tomorrow on whether my HCG levels have gone down or up but i already know the answer. How?
Yesterday, March 23rd, i passed the baby....... you might ask how i know this. I know because i saw it. I started cramping SO bad. The cramps came and went. I took some ibuprofin. I got bad back pains. Then i started bleeding (like poring blood out of me). I wont get into too much detail but the baby came out. You might wonder how i knew it was the baby. Ill try to explain in the least TMI way i can. Basically i just knew. It looked like placenta tissue. There was a yellow bubble looking thing filled with fluid (the yolk sac) and i just SAW the baby..
When i got home from my doc appointment.. I lost it. I think all the emotions ive been keeping inside have finally burst. Its been a rough day.
Im not blogging about this for attention, its just therapy for me, and if i can help one person out there by sharing my story then it was worth it.
Before i say anything i will give the warnings. I am going through alot of different emotions. And do not read if you get easily queezy.
So today i got my blood work. Im 10 weeks along. I will get the results tomorrow on whether my HCG levels have gone down or up but i already know the answer. How?
Yesterday, March 23rd, i passed the baby....... you might ask how i know this. I know because i saw it. I started cramping SO bad. The cramps came and went. I took some ibuprofin. I got bad back pains. Then i started bleeding (like poring blood out of me). I wont get into too much detail but the baby came out. You might wonder how i knew it was the baby. Ill try to explain in the least TMI way i can. Basically i just knew. It looked like placenta tissue. There was a yellow bubble looking thing filled with fluid (the yolk sac) and i just SAW the baby..
When i got home from my doc appointment.. I lost it. I think all the emotions ive been keeping inside have finally burst. Its been a rough day.
I googled a picture of what my baby looked like.
Judging from the development the baby was about 6 weeks old. I started bleeding at 7 weeks. Why did it take 4 weeks to discharge?? I could see the head, eye, heart, spine and a little leg bud. I called Jeff bawling and luckily he was almost off work and rushed home to comfort me. He is the best man alive. I couldnt go through this without him.
Now for the emotional stuff.
I think at this point i am kind of angry. WHY?? Why me? i already went through this once. I know what its like. I had my life lesson on it. Why again?? This pregnancy was PLANNED! we wanted this. We tried for 4 months. If it wasnt our time then why let me get pregnant?! Why let it happen and take it away?! No i am NOT blaming god AT ALL. i just believe everything happens for a reason and im just not understanding it right now.
It makes me angry knowing that girls get pregnant and abort it, starve themselves, arent healthy, smoke, do drugs, dont take their vitamins, drink alcohol, etc and their baby's are fine (i am NOT pointing fingers or saying anyone i know does this im just saying there ARE situations like this out there, everyone knows this). Then i take suppliments before i even got prego, took my vitamins religously, drank lots of water, ate even when i wasnt hungry, put my baby first, and i still lost it.
Did i do something wrong?? Was i working out too much? i only worked out 2 maybe 3 times a week. i thought you're supposed to work out? was it my thyroid? was it cuz i slept on my stomach a couple times? was it my blood type? Was i too woried about wanting a normal pregnancy? Did this happen to make me appreciate being pregnant at all regardless of how sucky pregnancy can be??
Then i think about all the people who lose babies when they are farther along, or children that are already born, and i feel selfish for being so upset. I know a loss is a loss and its only human to have a hard time with it. Im just not understanding life right now.......
Its just not fair
i should have my little baby inside my belly growing..
Im not blogging about this for attention, its just therapy for me, and if i can help one person out there by sharing my story then it was worth it.
9 comments :
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this (again). I agree with you that everything happens for a reason, and I pray that someday very soon you will know what the reason is for this. I think you're very strong, and I think it's healthy for you to put this out there if that's what you need to do!
You poor thing, I'm so sorry, try not to question what you did because nothing you did made this happen. I'm glad you have an amazing husband to help you through this terrible time.
2 women full of wisdom just said it all. Christa. I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you're going through. I do have to say that you are such a strong woman, and as much as it feels like you can't right now, you'll eventually be able to smile again. Just allow yourself to be comforted and don't bottle it up. I love ya girl!
I am so sorry. I prayed for you all yesterday after reading your story and this breaks my heart.
It doesn't seem fair at all. I never understand injustices like these.
I can't even express how sorry I am.
thanks guys :) it means the world to me.. you are all so sweet. i have a good support system
Oh my goodness. So sorry to read this. Such a hard thing to go through and as a blogger and as a mom, I really admire you're honesty and strength. I'm sure you'll find that reason someday.
I dont have a blog, and Im not trying to be anonymous, but I found your blog while I was "working" at work one day. When I read this my heart sank. I miscarried the day before you did and was the exact same week you were. It is hard, whether it be the 1st week or the last. I am so so sorry you had to go through this and I feel for you. Im not a crazy stalker just wanted to say I was sorry and that you have an angel in Heaven watching over you now and forever. I hope you are getting through this and seeing the smile on your daughters face has to help, I also have a 2 year old son, and he gives me every reason to keep going. We planned on having this one too and tried for about 6 months and then lost it, just like that. I went through the whole, "what did I do wrong" thing too, and its natural to feel that way. But there is not an answer that helps, not that I have found anyway. I hope you are getting stronger and can get through this hard time. I enjoyed reading your post, as weird as that may seem, but it made me smile at the same time to know that I am not the only one who felt the same way. Again I am so sorry for your loss. -Britney
How incredibly heart-breaking. I am praying that you will feel God's love through this very difficult time. I am glad you shared. I have a daughter with Down Syndrome and when she was born, I felt so alone and cheated. My friends had brand new healthy babies, and mine had Down Syndrome, was on a feeding tube and was facing open-heart surgery in 4 months. Maybe someday in Heaven we will see what we don't now. I know your babies are there waiting for you.
I just found your blog on the Design it Chic HOP and was wondering around your blog when I found this post. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and the grief that you must be experiencing. I miss carried last summer and it has been tough everyday since then. Praying for you and your family as you grieve!
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