Thursday, January 19, 2012

My Heart Is Hurting.....

This post is just going to be a quick ramble. Kind of a journal entry i guess. Sometimes i just want to write. Not that i have anything in particular to say but just to talk. Ive just been in this confused place lately. And my heart it hurting.

My heart is hurting and longing for another sweet child to have and to hold but my mind is so scared. Im left with the what ifs, ALL the many odds i have working against me. My 2 miscarriages i have had already. If you are new to my blog.. let me explain a few things.

In 2007 i was in my senior year of high school, age 17 (almost 18), and found out i was pregnant with my husband (fiance then). I ended up miscarrying and found out the reason was because my blood type is RH- and  my husband's blood type is RH+. If you dont know anything about that, basically if the baby's blood type isnt a negative type, my body thinks its a disease and fights it off. They have a rogham shot for that but they cant give it to you until 20 weeks i believe. So i have that issue.
Then in 2011 got pregnant and at that same time, found out i had hypothyroidism. When you find out you are pregnant you are about 5-7 weeks along. The first 5 weeks are when all your baby's organs are developing and if your thyroid is too low or too high, the organs wont develop right and you will either loose the baby, or have a disabled child. I miscarried.


I want a baby so bad. Everyone is having babies or pregnant right now and it only makes the baby hunger worse haha. Braylee will be 3 years old in almost 4 months. I dont want my children 4 years apart. 3 years apart was my goal but i was NOT going to try to get pregnant until my thyroid was under control. And in November we FINALLY found my right dose. I wanted to give it a few months to be SURE my thyroid would stay in check.

On top of it all, the one pregnancy i DID carry full term for, was SOOO hard. I was in so much pain 24/7. I had high blood pressure and was always getting dizzy, faint, i was always scared. I gained SOO much weight. I was SOO swollen. ahhh.

So now i am left in a whirlwind of emotions. Excitement to try, joy thinking about having another baby, fear of the possibilities, heartache thinking of the pain and anguish loosing a child, confusion, why me?

Of course i cant live in fear. Of course we will try for another.
I just cant handle loosing another sweet soul inside me.
I just cant do it.
I just cant.

24 comments:

Ashley N. said...

I hope you get the second healthy pregnancy and baby you deserve.

Jeska said...

Oh, I'm sorry about your miscarriages. I really hope that another successful pregnancy happens for you, if you do decide to try. Good luck with everything. I know it must be a very hard decision.

Etosia (e-tasha) said...

I'm so sorry your heart is hurting! I personally don't know what your going through and how that loss and fear must feel. But my sister and I are four years apart and we are still very close despite the big gap! Your already in the right track with your fitness! Just keep working in your goal to be a mean lean baby making machine!

Team Armstrong said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Team Armstrong said...

My heart hurts for you, I know the heartache, at least to an extent. Just know that when I was going through the darkest time in my life you were such a great support to me through your blog and being so open about such a difficult thing. It helped me not feel so alone and if I could ever do anything to pay it back I would. Feel free to contact me if you ever need to talk or just a shoulder to cry on. You are such a strong woman, I look up to you in so many ways.

Nicole said...

Feel better honey. I too have suffer a lost. I am thinking of you. I ma now your newest follower.

Nikki Darlin' said...

Oh honey I'm so sorry. We I pray god blesses you with another baby. I understand the hardship of having a hard pregnancy. I wish you all the luck when you start trying.

Sonya Marie said...

hey sweet pea. I'm feeling you on the age thing. I wanted so badly for my babies to be 3 years apart. yeah not happening :[ With everything lately it's not even in the plans for another year, and it just breaks my heart :[

I love you so much and I pray - PRAYYY you get that second little bundle of joy in your heart and arms soon <3

Anonymous said...

Instead of trying for one of your own why not adopt? There are plenty of babies out there that need a home.

Kaitlyn said...

Awww hun! I dont know what you are going through, I've never lost a baby but, I can't even imagine! You are such a strong beautiful woman, you inspire me in so many ways. I wish the best of luck in trying for a baby and praying for you as well. Love ya girly stay strong

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all this. I miscarried in July and I'm having a hard time getting pregnant again and it's just killing me. I pray that you will have another happy healthy baby.

Chels said...

I know what u mean!! I'm rh- and I went into early labor so many times with my daughter due to her +blood type! And iv miscarried due to it. Hang in there hun!!

Mama Lake said...

I am sorry you are going through this! I had 2 miscarriages in less then 6 months a few years back. I thought I was done and could not take the hurt anymore. Fortunately it was out of my hands (we were not perventing) and we were blessed with another little one. Had I let all my fears and hurt get in my way, I would have missed out on our beautiful baby! Be strong and remember that this too shall pass, and hopefully soon your fear will turn into joy:) ((hugs))

Melanie said...

I am praying for you hon. I too have the whole thyroid issue, & have lost a sweet little soul. AND really REALLY have baby fever. You just seem like one very smart, sweet mama, w/ a really good support system. You WILL get through this. Sending you a big hug...! Xo

Shannon said...

Your in my prayers tonight. I've been there too with infertility,after having my first she was almost 3 and 3 miscarriages in one year and finally things changed around, it can happen, it will happen....keep your head up and heart believing......

xoxoxo

Christa said...

You guys are all so amazing...
Seriously you all are putting a big smile on my face :)!

I appreciate all your kind words!

kyna... said...

Sweetie, I can't pretend to know what you are going through, but I can definitely imagine....not one, but two miscarriages! How horrible and scary! You are in my prayers sweetie!
♥ Kyna

Phil and Darby Hawley said...

Oh my heart aches for you girl!!!! We want a baby too, but after a miscarriage 2 years ago we are still childless. I say this NOT to scare you, but to remind you that you're not alone; I long for a baby too. I'm praying for you while you wait on God's perfect timing!!!

Mason's Mama said...

Always thinking about you sweet girl!

The Ferrons said...

I know how you feel. I am so sorry your are going through this. We are in the same boat. Secondary Infertility has kicked my butt so did the miscarriage.

I am so thankful for your open feelings on your blog. It makes me feel like I can be open.

You deserve another baby and I hope so badly you get one soon! :) And an easier pregnancy!!

Tracy said...

:(

ever read the secret? if we put out positive energy to the universe, i truly believe we get it back. think happy healthy baby and in turn i pray that you get just that.

i will keep you (and your family)in my prayers when the day comes that you announce on here that you are expecting aother bundle of joy!

jessi ♥ said...

Big hugs mama! I hope you conceive easily, and I hope that you have an extremely healthy and happy pregnancy <3

Ross said...

So sorry to hear about all the pregnancy problems. This is something that hits close to home because my wife and I had problems. We ended up adopting which has been a huge blessing to us, and now have two amazing kids! I hope that everything works out.

Kathy S said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I hope your next pregnancy is successful.

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